Please enjoy the following list:
  1. Never discuss controversial subjects from the pulpit- leave the people wondering what you believe the Bible teaches about current events and issues.
  2. Don’t require too much from people- especially new Christians; teach them to obey God’s commands in bite-sized bits- total transformation is unrealistic.
  3. Be spiritual in your worship but don’t allow the gifts of the Spirit to flow- all that tongues and prophecy stuff can make people feel uncomfortable.
  4. When choosing sermon series topics keep it light and not too serious. Maybe borrow ideas from popular TV shows and movies.
  5. Preach in such a way that people wont be offended- avoid the following words; “sin, repent, judgement and hell.”
  6. Don’t do altar calls at the end of the service because they’re outdated and make people feel embarrassed- instead do general prayers and sing emotional songs to ensure everyone leaves feeling like a winner.
  7. Make everyone feel important and a part of the team (whether they are saved or not)- so promote volunteerism (having lost people hold “Welcome Home” signs in the front of church and working in the parking lot are great entry points everyone can do).
  8. Have a growth track that is only around 4 weeks long. Have them meet after each Sunday service every month so you can make disciples like Jesus. Make the first week, “Welcome to the Family,” second week, “Membership,” third week, “Church Values,” and the fourth week, “Finding Your Place in Church.”
  9. Never, and I mean absolutely never, enforce church discipline like Paul did in 1 Corinthians 5. That was a different time- you don’t have to ensure that the people who claim to be Christians in your church actually live like Christ.
  10. Hold conferences where you make the members of your church pay around $25-100 to attend. Call it something that sounds edgy but spiritual, like, “Slay Conference or Purple Revival.”
  11. Only use social media to post pictures of people in your church who look young and cool- like those everyone wants to be friends with.
  12. Never use social media to voice a strong biblical stance against anything outside of the approved social media hashtags—- speak against racism, sexism and sex trafficking but stay far away from abortion or LGBT issues- too many people will get offended and think you’re a “judgmental Christian.”
  13. Now this last one is tricky and is for more advanced relevant pastors—- but once you’ve gotten good at all the above it is bound to happen- so be ready to write books and befriend celebrities so you can sell your goodies on their platforms and they can be seen as religious and Christian in your church. Maybe you can even do a wedding ceremony for Cardie B one day or dedicate a Kardashian’s baby.
Revelation 2:5, “Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.”